Let's be honest, if you even got as far as reading this review, then you're not looking for a good movie, so there's a good chance Birdemic is the movie for you. On the other hand, let me give you some practical advice; just start the movie at minute 47, because nothing of any real importance happens in the first half. It's entirely spent establishing an implausible relationship between a Nathalie (Whitney Moore), a hot fashion model and a Rod (Alan Bagh), computer geek. I know this sort of thing is a staple in horror and sci fi movies, but usually the nerd has some hidden charms. Rod is basically just annoying and full of himself. Also, the relationship normally develops in the context of the plot and involves at least *some* dramatic tension. In this case, they meet and she is immediately swept off her feet by his complete lack of charm and affected speech patterns. Oh yeah, he's also just landed a big business deal that will make him a millionaire. So much more Nathalie's wholesome image, the little gold digger!
Anyway, this whole process takes about 5 minutes. Where the other 40 go is a mystery. OK, they do find one dead bird on the beach. Consider yourself foreshadowed.
On second thought, start at minute 44 to catch the movie's only redeeming feature: a gratuitous slow pan of Moore in her underwear. But then *immediately* jump to minute 47 to escape the most awkward and unconvincing love scene in the history of cinema. Don't say you haven't been warned.
Then the action starts. After a night of passion, they awake to a full scale attack by badly rendered CGI birds which terrorize people and occasionally dive bomb the ground, exploding on impact. I don't mean they burst apart in a shower of bird guts; I mean they actually explode, with fire and smoke, like little Kamikazee pilots! This is never explained.
And that's pretty much it. The rest of the movie is basically spent running from these birds and occasionally fighting them off - first with coat hangers and later with the the stash of firearms and (almost) limitless ammo that one character inexplicably produces. Sometimes there's a variation on the explosion theme where the birds splatter people with something that appears to burn them like acid.
They run into a couple of people in their travels who explain this is all caused by global warming. This shameless pandering to social relevance loses any sympathy the film maker might otherwise have had. Also, I can believe that climate change might make birds aggressive, but could it really make them explode?
Just how bad an actor is Alan Bagh? Well, it should tell you something that he couldn't project any credible passion in a love scene with our scantily clad heroine. His dialog is delivered in a uniform stilted monotone, and he seems to avoid eye contact with either the camera or any of his fellow actors. In fact, even the scenes when he and Moore are walking in silence - and there are an annoyingly large number of these - are somehow not at all believable. I mean seriously, how hard is it to *walk* in a convincing manner? If I saw someone walking like that on the street, I would assume he had suffered some sort of head trauma.
Almost all of the actors are more or less equivalent to Bagh, with the arguable exception of Moore. Don't get me wrong, she's not great, but since she's the only person in the movie with any acting ability whatsoever, she comes across like Merryl Streep. Really, you find yourself longing for her speaking parts, because it's the only dialog that's doesn't literally make you cringe. Also, did I mention she's got a gratuitous underwear scene at minute 44?
A lot has been said about the poor quality of the CGI birds, but nothing can prepare you for how bad they really are. If Ed Wood had made this movie, he would have interspersed stock footage of flocks of birds with stuffed birds thrown in from off screen - and the result would have been much, much more effective!
Anyway, since they're worried about bird attacks, you would think they would, I don't know, stay indoors! By no, they're outside as much as possible. Part of this is because in the one day since the birds attacked civilization has completely crumbled, and they're forced to forage for food.
Just when you're continuing to wonder how they're going to end this this thing, the birds simply fly away, with no explanation. Huh?
Truly, a masterpiece.